Screwed.edu
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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