tell your sister to shave her snatch
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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