Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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