I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize