I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
