Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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