I wish I only lived at night.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
