can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize