dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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