Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
