So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
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