well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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