my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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