i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
