Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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