Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
