I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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