Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
