If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
