I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
