Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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