Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
