We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
