thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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