Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
