I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
