All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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