We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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