I want her autograph on my taint
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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