if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Terrible idea I love it
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
