I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
