I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
And then my night got REAL pukey
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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