My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
