i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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