I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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