My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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