I think I died a long time ago.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
