im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
