Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
