No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
And then he peed in my hair
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