i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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