I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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