i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
