1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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