Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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