A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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