Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
farters have to be the big spoon...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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