I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
