Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
