She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
