Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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