There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
