After last night, I could never be a politician.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
