moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
