I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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