there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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