I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
