My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
