I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
